i don’t wanna do my homework and it is scares me. No one WANTS to do homework but i hae no motivation and it makes me all scared because i’m afraid i’m developing depression and of course i’m a weirdo and im hyper during the day so i am also worried that i am developing mania. i can NOT be bipolar like my mother. I just.. i couldn’t handle it. but i suppose to not be like her i should probably get tested. but i’m not like her. it scares me because i want to just take a narcotic and sleep so i don’t get in trouble, but that’s not true. i don’t want to take the narcotic, i just want to be sleepy because my brain never turns off. the only time i get to relax is when i end up in the hospital. i get sick, i’m in so much pain all i can think about is the pain and how to stop it. I’m allowed to miss school, i’m allowed to not think about my family, or worry about my friends liking me/getting sick of me. I’m allowed to just be in pain and cry and not think.. then a painkiller makes me sleep and i won’t dream. i’ll just be knocked out and it’s peaceful like that.
i don’t wanna do my homework i wanna make a choice as to what gender i want to be, because yeah that thought has reentered my mind. i no longer has a cis hetro guy i’m after so i stopped trying to be feminine. that whole andrew thing didn’t work out. i wasn’t rejected. i just began to notice a lack of interest on his side, but also a lack of intelligence. he’s a sweet heart, but super dumb, and i can’t hold a conversation with him so how could i expect a relationship?
however because that backfired here i am sitting in my room feeling ashamed of myself. i hate my body so much. i need to lose a lot of weight. i was doing pretty well but the past 4 days have been a hiccup in dieting. just eating too much… way way waaaay too much and hating myself for it. i just want a chance to be a normal size. to look at a dude and not worry that he considers me the fat chick. i just want to stop being huge. so badly. i really and truly cannot stand how my flesh feels on me i want to tear it off in massive hunks. of course i would never do that. i’ve never done anything to physically harm myself. plus i know i would die if i tried to remove a massive slab of my gut, and i’m not stupid or crazy so i will go to jumping jacks and other exercises until my endorphins rise and i feel less shitty about my grotesque appearance.
i like to blame how i look for not being able to get a guy. age 21 never been kissed. i feel pathetic. i’m not about to jump at anyone who offers of course. i’d like a friend that i can maybe end up in a relationship with. i have one of those, but he lives on the internet and according to everyone i know is a terrible idea. even to myself i know he’s a terrible idea, but thus far in my life he’s the only guy i have not been able to move on from PLUS he is the only person i’ve ever thought ” i could have a long term relationship with you”.
god dammit thom. your boyfriend doesn’t even like you and you don’t like him. you’re just attached. move on. talk to me. i’ll be your friend. we could work, we could work so well and you know it.
i don’t want to do my homework right now :c it is stressing me out i only have a few days to do it in. i hate all the things. i am getting mad scared over nothing. i also haven’t done laundry. fuck fuck fuck.
so i should see a therapist but at the same time this is theraputic, right? i’m writing my emotions as oppose to binging, caving them into my skin, or forcing myself to vomit.. all not pretty images but if i TYPE them i won’t DO them… yeah that makes sense to me.
i’m afraid to post this like my friends will call my family or report me or something. which is both good and bad: amazing that i know my friends care that much but i dunno scary because i do NOT want to discuss these matters with my family… which is why i type them here so get them out.
i’m not about to hurt myself or anythign just in amini stressed induced mental freak out. not crying not havin ga hard time breathing, just sitting quieting typing gettign nasty thoughts out. really having secon thoughts about posting this…
welp i will spelling errors and all.
so just as a recap:
- i don’t wanna do my homework
- scared i am bipolar
- don’t know if i was meant to be female
- hate my body, need to lose weight
- i still have my standards
- thom i’m still not over you and that makes me wanna punch things because NOTHING has ever kept me from moving on but you
- i’m in no physical or mental danger
- i love my friends
- i really really really don’t want to do my homework.
okay so i think i’m gunna go to bed now haha. wel after a mini work out. nighty night c:
