Once more i am hatin’ on my body for so many reasons.
I am seriously sick of being fat. legit. i’m 178, last i weighed myself, and i just hate this. I’ve never seen the scale lower than 163. I literally can’t remember not being ” overweight” or ” obese” or fucking whatever. I am just so sick of it. It’s also not like i don’t try to lose weight. I do, it just doesn’t seem to want to come off anymore. I would kill to just experience getting to be an average weight person, so i could have one day where i know people don’t think of me as ” the fat chick “. i know my good friends don’t consider me that way, but as a physically bland person it’s really my only stand out feature: i’m larger than most people.
Then there is the other side of the coin. Am i uncomfortable with my body because of fat or because of gender? I really don’t know. There are two people in my head, neither of which look like me. One is a rather built male, the other is a much smaller female. I am neither of these and it’s frustrating to know you aren’t who you are in your head. You’re not pretty, you’re not handsome; you’re just some thing that feels like it was put on this earth just to feel shitty about itself by itself.
i wish i could find some one who really and truly gives a shit.
The closest i’ve ever had to that doesn’t think about me. He use to but even then he told me i was number three on the list. He also said that was a compliment, it just reinforced that i’m near worthless.
now to get out my angry imma list some grievances toward said person.
- you told me i was number 3
- you rarely stick around to listen to me no matter how long i listen to you
- you don’t seem to consider me a valuable friend considering how often you say ” no one cares” when clearly, despite being as far away as i am, i do.
- you claim you didn’t reject me, when that is exactly what you did. don’t say you didn’t when you know just as well as i do, ” a no is a no.”
- turns out you did like me, but you still told me no.
- you cheated on your ex-wife twice, but because i don’t fit your kinky ideals, i wasn’t worth any sort of effort.
- you’ve forced me to do major school projects late and rushed because i sat up crying trying to talk you out of killing yourself.
- you tell me i’m all these wonderful appealing things, any guy would be lucky to have me. well that’s bull ‘cause you could have it but, you don’t exactly seem like you’re jumping to get that.
- you’d not even try long distance, again, i’m not worth any effort.
- you tell me all i need i confidence, you’re the number one reason it is at it’s lowest point.
- you had the balls to tell me you regret not doing anything with me.
- you’re the only person i can’t get over, and i hate you for that most of all.
i’m not looking forward to valentines day. you’ll probs do something stupid with your guy. i hope you don’t. i want you to break up. You don’t like him and he doesn’t like you, it is just neither of you can handle being alone well. being together just so you’re not alone is a horrible concept.
i hate you so much.
